For everyone who needs a bit of hope

So I haven't been blogging because I'm pregnant and my brain is made of jello. However, I still have a lot of THOUGHTS, the difficulty is in corralling them, like wayward cattle, into anything resembling order.
Pregnancy is a weird mental state because I have a lot of FEELINGS which leads to ideas, and ultimately new insights I want to expound on, but then when it gets to the actual point where I can write some exposition on the subject, all my focus dribbles away.

That said, I have so many idea's about things to write more on. Depression Awareness, Writing, more book reviews. (My TBR stack of books is going to crush me in my sleep I swear.)

Despite my scattered disorganization, I did want to take the times to write a post today. The somewhat surreal thing about blogging, especially anyone who's blogged for years, is that you put so much of yourself into your posts. Whether it's actual life experience, and personal accounts, or simply the way a blogger tries to share their own perspective in a way that people can relate to, ultimately a huge amount of Who You Are winds up spilling onto the page, hiding in your words and the things unsaid.

This is a great thing for a reader, because it makes them connect to your writing and care about it beyond the mere words on the page. The see the author as a person who exists, and not just some mindless vessel spewing out information. The surreal part happens when someone who is reading your words, and feeling their own connection to them, feels that same vicarious connection to the author. Most of the time this is great, it can lead to meeting people and realizing your words have an effect. Sometimes it's just a little bit strange, when you don't realize how much of your own insecurities and issues might be laid bare for another to see.

I'm a very passionate reader, and I have a brain that likes to latch onto small details and save them for later. I'm also not a very social person, which is why I'm often afraid that when I do communicate with the people I've read that I'll come of just a few hairs shy of batshit crazy. I'm the kind of person who remembers that a persons favorite color is yellow, because they mentioned it in a blog post... four years ago... and then I show up, a perfect stranger to this person, and thrust a bunch of their favorite flowers at them tied with a yellow bow while babbling about how amazing they are and how I've memorized all the things they love... Yeeeah. I don't TRY to be creepy, in fact I make a special effort NOT to be, but unintentionally remembering all this stuff can be a little weird.

But I'm veering from my original intent. Basically, what I'm trying to convey is that there are a host of authors whom I've only conversed with casually, if at all, who I care about. I feel like we have things in common, and I find myself hoping that they are well, and that whatever problems they've mentioned via blog or twitter are something they get through.
Thoughts you have about your friends.

You don't ever really know how far or how deeply words online, on a page, can reach people. You don't know if one post you make about overcoming trials makes a big difference to someone, or if it just sits on the page read but unnoticed. You don't know if merely by the act of expressing your feelings to the wide internet, that you might be making friends who actually care what happens to you.

I'm thinking about this a lot today because to many many people's relief and excitement, a blogger we know and love returned to post today. Allie Brosh of http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com has returned, and her incredibly honest post about dealing with her depression and the struggles she's faced is one of the best written posts on the topic I've ever read.
So much of what she's gone through, and going through, sound so familiar. So much of her fight is something I can relate to. I've always loved her work, but knowing she's fighting a similar battle has made me even more a fan of who she is, and not just her work.

While I don't know Allie personally, and I can't say we're "friends", I know I'm rooting for her. Along with a huge portion of the internet. Her art has become famous through Meme's and her posts are witty and hilarious. It's a weird paradox to know that someone who has literally millions of fans, and hundreds of thousands of people who avidly follow her work, can still feel, at the end of the day, just as alone and unhappy as anyone else.

Depression sucks. Depression is the mind killer and the liar who tells you everything you are is wrong. But depression is wrong. For Allie, for everyone else out there who is struggling, one day at a time, to regain some sense of self and worth in this world, I'm rooting for you. Hang in there. It's hard and it's crippling and it sucks, but you can make it out the other side. Life may never be sunshine and rainbows everyday, but there are always things that will make you glad that you kept going, little joys and triumphs you wouldn't trade for the world.
Don't give up.
Please hang on.
And even if I don't know you yet... I still understand.
You ARE worth it.