*insert something profound*

I feel I need to post. It's not really a blog post... It's more of an apology. I could say how busy I am (not really) or how I intend to get back to things really soon (maybe). Truth is, I'm sliding into the mire.

I've tried to blog about it before. When it doesn't feel that bad I try to put the words down, but if I get interrupted or I stare at the words too long, I can't finish.

I haven't been writing. That hurts most of all. I stare at the files that need to be completed, the outlines of scenes that need to be written and I want to cry. I hate myself for taking a break... even if I know, I know I need to stop and fix myself first, I feel like I'm failing my story. I feel like I'm failing every other writer who's still managed to write through their own drama and problems.

It starts out so slow. I think I'm okay, then I have one bad day, and I think I'll bounce back. I usually do... maybe it's a bad week, but I usually bounce back. Except now the days are getting shorter and I remember that last year, and the year before that, fall is when it starts to hit harder, last longer.

Living with depression is like making your way across a swamp, there are hidden dangers all around. If the light starts to fade, or you make a wrong step, or you pursue the glimmer of a wil-o-wisp of false hopes, then you slip and the mud gets deeper and the water gets colder and you have to backtrack to safer ground before all is lost.
Maybe that's a stupid metaphor. It really is so hard to just keep typing this when I'd rather just hide in the most oft spoken lie: I'm fine. It's the lie I wear like a false armor, to hide the shame of being 'broken', of being 'defective', of being 'depressed' and there isn't a damn thing I... on my own... can do to cure it.

I need help. Yet there are few things I hate more than picking up the phone to find a doctor and get some kind of treatment. It's easier to convince myself that all the things that could go wrong, will, so why bother?

I'm on twitter obsessively. I wait for people to say things that might distract me, to chat with friends and smile and laugh and for those few minutes... hours... I feel better. If only it would last.

I don't want to worry anyone. Goddamnit this is hard. I hate myself for even writing the words here. "drama queen" "whiner" "you'll just upset people" My depression has a lot to say on the issue.

I'm going to end it here and click post before I lose my nerve. To my friends... I'm still trying to get better. I'm trying.
this is nothing but today.... maybe tomorrow will be better... I cling to that hope.
Maybe saying something here will take some of the pressure off and I'll find some more traction.

I'm sorry.